I Bite My Thumb, Sir

Common knowledge tells us that long periods of solitude can drive people insane. What counts as a long period, what counts as insane, I ask? Is the better part of one year a long enough time to go from a stable individual to a raving lunatic? Does trying to go through the whole day without using my thumbs just to see if it's possible count as insane? I think it does. Because only a person who spends too much time with himself would come up with such a ridiculous idea.

After trying it I discovered that it is possible, but you must rule out doing certain things. Forget writing, say sayonara to opening a can of soda. I discovered an entirely new fronteir when I began to wonder what the reaction would be if instead of giving a thumbs up for a job well done, I gave them some other gesture. Then I got to thinking, who came up with the thumbs up? And where the hell was everyone else when this decision was made? How does one learn and then incorporate a nascent gesture into common use?

I decided that it must be terribly confusing the first time a psycho-pneumatic signal is used and you have no clue what it means. I imagine a scene 10,000 years ago in a cave where one early modern man lights a fire and the other without thinking gives him a thumbs up. Then the one who started the fire tries it out and soon the whole cave is shrieking and howling with excitement at this newfound discovery, and the only reason it passed onto our society is because the thumbs-up clan just happened to raid and kill all the members of the other clan who stuck their thumbs in their asses to convey the same meaning.

Let me give you a more tangible example. In America, the signal for 'come here' is made by an open palm facing upward, and using quick inward-curling gestures with your four digit rays. In Japan the same expression is made with a downward facing open palm and using quick outward-stretching gestures suggesting 'go away'. The first time I was in Tokyo I asked an officer where an ATM was and he gave me the Japanese 'come here' (go away) signal. I was confused so I just stood there and waited. He started walking away--expecting me to follow--and turned around to give me the signal again, only this time more emphatically. I thought,

Who the hell says 'get away from me', walks away, and then turns around again to tell me to go away a second time?

I took a leap of faith and decided to follow and it was initially with much confusion that I then discovered the meaning of this gesture.

(I am the last remaining descendant of the clan who stuck their thumbs up their asses, and my friend Patrick Stewart is demonstrating the more traditional gesture. sort of..)