A New Direction
I'm introducing a new augmentation to this blog-writing project, and I hope the reader(s) will enjoy it. This is the first of a series of memoirs I'm entitling rather insipidly, Things That Make Me Laugh.
Things that make me laugh: Suspected Centenarians
For the record, I haven't actually confirmed whether or not these elderly people I've been acquainted with are in fact centenarians, but keep in mind that throughout the world Japan has one of the largest populations of them, around 30,000.
A Strange Encounter
Walking down a street towards a suspected centenarian, our glances not yet having crossed paths. When they manage to look up as we approach one another, they take one look into my eyes, and just as quickly turn their heads away. At this point, its almost as if you can see the exact moment at which some kind of alarm goes off in their heads, as they look again with much more intensity and sometimes even the blind fear of a sibling as you sneak up from behind in order to terrorize them. I sometimes get the urge to put up my hands in a calming fashion and say, "Its alright [sir or madam], I'm not going to hurt you." Hardly anyone in my town speaks any form of English, so I have no idea if they would interpret my gesture as an act of kindness or as an aggressive maneuver to subdue and have my way with them. I just give them the same blind stare I always employ when a certain social situation unnerves me.
Mobile Centenarians
Suspected centenarians on mopeds. I don't know why, and I hope that it doesn't sound chauvinistic, but especially the female suspected centenarians. It sort of awakens in me the idea of a Japanese version of your friend's badass grandma who owns a Harley, and who sports a tattoo of a skull and crossbones on her forearm that she got last week.
Graceful Maneuvering
Riding my bike on a narrow sidewalk in the direction of a suspected centenarian. As the gap between us closes, I witness them with the grace and expertise of a world-class gymnast, deftly swing one leg over the frame of the bike, and stand with the other on just one pedal, all while wearing the same stern expression on their face as they pass me without any difficulty, while I have to pretend as if it wasn't the most amazing thing that I've ever seen in my life. I'm assuming they must learn this technique in some class at the community center, and I have to admit that I'm considering doing the same. If you ever get to see it, you will be as buffeted as I was.
Scavengers Waiting
Going to the supermarket around 6:30 PM, and seeing a flock of SCs (for the benefit of the reader, I will from herein abbreviate the term suspected centenarian, and replace it with SC), hovering near the bento aisle. They wait patiently, licking their lips methodically and popping their jaws like hyenas waiting for a group of lions to finish feasting on a fresh kill. After they get the signal from up above, one of the supermarket managers walks down the aisle and places yellow 50% off stickers on most of the perishable pre-made meals. At times its like watching brokers in a stock exchange trying to buy or sell futures contracts after the agricultural commissioner announces the projected yield of the fresh orange crop. Keep in mind they are SCs, so its not always that dramatic, but you get the idea.
No Point in Asking
Finally, talking one-on-one with an SC. Sometimes I have no other choice. I'll be waiting for a train, unsure if its the one I'm suppposed to take, so I ask as politely as I know how, using the correct word endings when speaking with one's superiors outside of one's own familiar social group. Despite the fact that I don't look Japanese, and although I mention many times I can't understand them because they are talking too fast, the SC will continue to speak without so much as reducing the rate at which they produce from their mouths those strange staccatoed syllables.
Things that make me laugh: Suspected Centenarians
For the record, I haven't actually confirmed whether or not these elderly people I've been acquainted with are in fact centenarians, but keep in mind that throughout the world Japan has one of the largest populations of them, around 30,000.
A Strange Encounter
Walking down a street towards a suspected centenarian, our glances not yet having crossed paths. When they manage to look up as we approach one another, they take one look into my eyes, and just as quickly turn their heads away. At this point, its almost as if you can see the exact moment at which some kind of alarm goes off in their heads, as they look again with much more intensity and sometimes even the blind fear of a sibling as you sneak up from behind in order to terrorize them. I sometimes get the urge to put up my hands in a calming fashion and say, "Its alright [sir or madam], I'm not going to hurt you." Hardly anyone in my town speaks any form of English, so I have no idea if they would interpret my gesture as an act of kindness or as an aggressive maneuver to subdue and have my way with them. I just give them the same blind stare I always employ when a certain social situation unnerves me.
Mobile Centenarians
Suspected centenarians on mopeds. I don't know why, and I hope that it doesn't sound chauvinistic, but especially the female suspected centenarians. It sort of awakens in me the idea of a Japanese version of your friend's badass grandma who owns a Harley, and who sports a tattoo of a skull and crossbones on her forearm that she got last week.
Graceful Maneuvering
Riding my bike on a narrow sidewalk in the direction of a suspected centenarian. As the gap between us closes, I witness them with the grace and expertise of a world-class gymnast, deftly swing one leg over the frame of the bike, and stand with the other on just one pedal, all while wearing the same stern expression on their face as they pass me without any difficulty, while I have to pretend as if it wasn't the most amazing thing that I've ever seen in my life. I'm assuming they must learn this technique in some class at the community center, and I have to admit that I'm considering doing the same. If you ever get to see it, you will be as buffeted as I was.
Scavengers Waiting
Going to the supermarket around 6:30 PM, and seeing a flock of SCs (for the benefit of the reader, I will from herein abbreviate the term suspected centenarian, and replace it with SC), hovering near the bento aisle. They wait patiently, licking their lips methodically and popping their jaws like hyenas waiting for a group of lions to finish feasting on a fresh kill. After they get the signal from up above, one of the supermarket managers walks down the aisle and places yellow 50% off stickers on most of the perishable pre-made meals. At times its like watching brokers in a stock exchange trying to buy or sell futures contracts after the agricultural commissioner announces the projected yield of the fresh orange crop. Keep in mind they are SCs, so its not always that dramatic, but you get the idea.
No Point in Asking
Finally, talking one-on-one with an SC. Sometimes I have no other choice. I'll be waiting for a train, unsure if its the one I'm suppposed to take, so I ask as politely as I know how, using the correct word endings when speaking with one's superiors outside of one's own familiar social group. Despite the fact that I don't look Japanese, and although I mention many times I can't understand them because they are talking too fast, the SC will continue to speak without so much as reducing the rate at which they produce from their mouths those strange staccatoed syllables.
posted by Alex Cruz at
8:52 AM
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