Chimpanjii

Whilst at a bar with Yuya, Junya, and a Korean guy named Bear, after thoroughly downing 4 shots of Tequila with over-sized lime slices that would barely fit down the slender necks of our Corona's, a girl sat across from me. She had trouble written in large invisible letters across her wide, expansive forehead.

Usually I would've been open to this sort of encounter, one that begins with me being a perfect gentleman, and ends with me feeling like an idiot for letting a girl deceive me into thinking I even have a chance to take her home. This time I was having way too much fun hearing about Yuya's night with a transvestite from Las Vegas to be bothered by a lady who had all the right curves in the wrong places, not to mention a face like a chimpanzee.

I was too drunk to remember what we said to each other, but I have 100% confidence in my ability to piss people off to the point of idiotic rage. Maybe it wasn't the fact that we were making fun of her in Japanese in front of her face. Maybe it wasn't my overwhelming sarcasm. Maybe it was the fact that the word for chimpanzee is the same in Japanese as it is in English that set her off.

She doused me with the remaining contents of my 3/4 full glass of Brooklyn Lager, and I sat wide-eyed in astonishment. Her doofy boyfriend at her side caught my eye, and he looked just as surprised as I did. I tried to transmit a telepathic message while staring at him. I wanted to say, "Do you have any idea what your life will be like with this crazy bitch?"

They left and I started laughing, which let my friends know it was OK to laugh off the whole encounter and attribute it to nothing but monkey business.

(For the record, chimpanzees and monkeys are in two distinct and separate families within the animal kingdom)

Baader-Meinhof

Today I found out what the Baader-Meinhof phenomenon was.

I think it would be ironic if I hear that phrase several more times before the day is finished.

Tee hee.

New Clip

A graphical comparison showing the relationship between beer consumption and guitar-playing ability..

THE JUICE!!!

OJ.. seriously.. everyone knows that this was a proxy trial for getting away with killing your wife..



"As you can see your honor, the glove does not fit..."

For Whom the Bell Tolls

"In the town where they first installed bells on clock towers that rang every hour, it wasn't until everyone went to sleep that they discovered it wasn't such a great idea."

I thought of that while lying in bed one day, listening to the disagreeable rattling of the bell tower that rests on top of a nearby church. From 7 AM until 9 PM at every hour on the hour, the chimes will ring. Five minutes after the conclusion of the last chime at 9 PM, the day concludes with a 2 minute-long, lively melodic epilogue that makes me want to drift dreamily into a peaceful slumber.

Recently I've been going out with friends from abroad who come here on vacation, so they demand that I spend one last night with them regardless of what day it happens to fall on. Since Monday I've been getting to bed at around 3-4 AM, after which I'll have to wake up in a few hours and get to work.

Sometimes I get up at the 7 AM bell, and other times I wake up with the 8 AM bell. Here's the funny part: When I hear the prelude to when the chimes begin, I prepare myself to count how many times the clock rings so I know whether or not its 7 AM or 8 AM. Once I count to 7, my heart rate swells and my body stiffens in dreadful anticipation.

When my worst fears are confirmed and I hear the clock strike its last deafening note, I feel as though the clock tower is the judge from Kafka's "The Trial", and he has just punctuated his exclamation to what will be my death sentence.

Damn you evil clock tower! Grant me one more hour of freedom!